I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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