Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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