I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
