Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize