My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
