Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
