So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
