I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
