what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
