if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
