making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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