i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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