Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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