you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
