No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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