Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
