I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
