if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Randomize
