I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
