Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
