we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
