she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
