So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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