I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
