I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
