If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
