piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
