I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
