nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
