just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i would punch a child for taco bell
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
