Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
