She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
