new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
