anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
