Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
