Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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