did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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