I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
