Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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