so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
