Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We smell like vodka and hangover
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
