is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize