I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
our cab driver is having phone sex.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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