omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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