The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
