walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
