Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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