Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
