I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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