I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
