broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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