you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
