I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
