When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
