No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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