I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
