I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Randomize
