Cold hands, warm shart.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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