What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
