evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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