I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
