Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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