I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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