I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
